I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
