Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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