thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
