Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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