just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
