well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
