I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
