He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
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