i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
