i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
