So drunk its hurt
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
