she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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