Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
