the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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