I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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