I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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