final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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