Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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