Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
im six kinds of drunk right now
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
