Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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