This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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