I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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