i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
