my phone needs a breathalizer
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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