i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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