i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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