i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
