I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
