she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
