Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Alive.
So much puke
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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