I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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