Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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