When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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