I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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