Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
