she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Me too!
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
