I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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