I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
