Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
