what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Randomize
