I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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