I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
