I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
