Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
