Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You ruined the universe
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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