Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
