Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
