Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
