You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
