i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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